Dream Review #5
Setup: I am wrenched from the edge of sleep by the harrowing sounds of urban animal combat. Who knows what creatures were involved, exactly, but the conflict was so explosive that many neighbours came out of their homes to investigate. Not me. I was bound for Dreamland.
Dream: A creature unlike any other glides through the neighbourhood, startling the local fauna on their nightly jaunts. It’s part animal, part machine; it’s very very low to the ground, but its tentacles and proboscises, its long wheeled supports, stretch out a fair distance. It’s painted bright colours like a hippie’s van, or a poisonous frog. Its stomach is a metal cage, and you can see a dog inside it, whimpering, unhurt but terrified. The creature rolls about silently, dreadfully.
Review: I seem to be good at generating monsters. This dream’s creature is of high caliber, yet nothing happens. We see evidence of one kill, and the feeling of others, but all the action seems to be offscreen. And where’s the conflict? Will the local animals rise up to destroy it? Will one heroic human hunt it down? Or will a ragtag bunch of local cats enlist the help of the surly yet good-hearted North American Night Scavengers and together outwit the menacing newcomer?
I give this dream two and a half stars.
It deserves at least three stars for the exposed dog cage within the organic structure of the beast — its mechanical belly? Fuckin’ weird man.
Yeah, but where’s the plot I ask you?
I also ask: who knew that the plural of proboscis is proboscises? Sounds crazy to me, man.
I’ll green light this pic if you can guarantee me the monster to show up and fight the main guy somewhere at the beginning of the third act. And can we have the monster with like 20 tentacles?
Oh yeah, we’ll also want to merchandize the shit outta that dog thing. I’m thinking a gay black man’s voice would be perfect for the voice of the dog.
Hell, I agree, Gay Black Cage Dog™ will sell like hotcakes. Problem, though. Who’s gonna do the voice? I can’t find one gay black actor, and I’ve been calling around. Apparently Chris Tucker isn’t gay. Neither is Rock – who knew? I almost convinced Denzel to turn gay for the part, but no dice. Maybe we can add the black in post..?
please delete this comment*, because I am a stinky pants-shitting moron who stinks and smells because I pants-shit constantly. I am also a coward and quite ugly.
*Please take note: if you taunt me like this, I will abuse my supreme ability to put words in anyone’s mouth! – ed.