Angry Robot

Fuck a Matrix

Reasons why The Matrix Reloaded, like its predecessor, sucks:

  1. Who wants to watch a movie about a flying priest?
  2. Who wants to watch a movie about a flying priest played by Keanu
  3. If your main character is presented as the Invincible Chosen One, and in
    fact if your key supporting character goes on and on about how invincible
    said main character is, don’t expect any dramatic tension when Captain
    Invincible fights bad guys. Notice how the only good fight scene in Reloaded
    is Neo-free?
  4. Let’s have a scary villain. Was the main bad guy that dude with the goatee? Was it Hugo what’s-his-name? Sorry, an accountant in a tight suit doesn’t make me tremble and quake, no matter how many special effects he can generate.
  5. If I’m watching a mid-forties, paunched-up Larrance Fishburne soar forty
    feet into the air from the top of a speeding truck, I’m watching a comedy
    scene. I can try and suspend some disbelief but it’s like seeing Mickey
    Mouse have sex with Hitler, it’s unbelievable and it’s straight-up comedy.
    Which leads to
  6. Can these movies get a goddamned sense of humour? Was there maybe two
    wisecracks in this latest one? We have winners for gold and silver in the
    Most Pretentious Action Movie Ever category. Which is a problem not because
    of the ambition but because of the
  7. Shit writing. Wow, two whole films made of 90% exposition. I guess the
    Wachowski boys missed the “show don’t tell” part of writing 101. “Hello, Neo
    and the audience, I will now tell you what is happening in this part of the
    movie.” The dialogue sucks – has anyone ever said “hear me when I tell you
    that…” outside of a Heston movie? The structure sucks – call that a third
    act, bitch? Felt like it was written by 14-year-olds.
  8. Ah, the href=””>profound
    philosophy behind the Matrix… puh-fucking-lease. Golden Bough,
    Gnosticism, ‘Baudrillard for Dummies’ for Dummies – you can throw
    that shit on Flashdance and it’ll stick. Merovingian, Persephone, Morpheus,
    the Architect – naming characters after Important Things doesn’t get you a
    blackbelt in symbolism, babe. More importantly, it doesn’t make your movie
    any better.
  9. Shit premise #1: The Matrix is necessary because machines need to farm
    human body heat. Here’s an idea: use cows instead! The Cow Matrix would be a
    helluva lot easier to build. In fact, cows would probably be happy just
    staring at the wall.
  10. Shit premise #2: fakey Matrix bullets kill real-life people because “the
    body is nothing without the mind.” Even if you know they’re fake? That’s not
    even equivalent to the foolish assertion that if you die in a dream you die
    for real. It’s like saying that if I die in a video game I die in real life.
    Bullshit. In the Matrix movies it’s just a bullshit excuse to have lots of

Sure you can throw together a bunch of ‘cool shit’ references, but it
should a) create a world that has an internal logic and b) function as a
(good) movie. During the first act of the first one I was thrilled to see
the Baudrillard reference, but it was only skin deep. If I slap a Bukowski
sticker on my motorbike it may look cool, but it doesn’t make it profound,
nor does it make it a good motorbike. I’m convinced that the genesis of these movies lay not in a philosophical idea, but rather in: “let’s make a movie where we have Tsui Hark style wirefighting effects plus john Woo style gunfighting effects plus Terminator style unstoppable machine effects plus Phil Dick style ‘whoa the world ain’t what I thought it was’ story effects and we’ll have cracker-hacking and cool-dancing rave-drug taking and a geek-turns-out-to-have-godlike-powers hook and it will be really, really cool.” Which is great, if it works. But it doesn’t. Not for me.

31 comments on "Fuck a Matrix"

  1. LES says:

    Hell Yeah! Hell fucking Yeah!!!

  2. Jerms says:

    Couldn’t agree more Sanks. It was a dire piece of cinematic shite. That scene with Colonel Sanders spouting Latin every second sentence was utter bollocks. The very definition of pretense. I HATED that movie.

  3. D says:

    Colonel Sanders! Hopefully he reveals his secret recipes at the end of the third film. And it makes sense, finally: he needs all that human body heat to power his deep-fryers.

  4. marijke says:

    also, the fact that the only thing separating us from the future is the ability to create vertical cities. Can we get an imagination, people? Flying cars are not the only thing we’re missing before we’re officially “in the future”. After Fifth Element, and Star Wars (not to mention Bladerunner, albeit to a lesser degree), the vertical city thing has been done! Hell, the Jetsons did it to death.

    Other ideas that might separate us from the future:
    – all vegetation dies and we can no longer breathe. maybe we’re able to create the space-bubble to live under in time, but maybe we don’t…
    – electric cars make it big, and people wonder why their ancestors ever burned disgusting fuel in their cars.
    – we have nuclear war, and most survivors never find each other, and instead live a nomadic existence, bashing cockroaches with rocks and roasting them over fires made of building foundations and endless mounds of filed papers.
    – a terrible disease ravages the people, leaving all sufferers with a baby arm growing out of their neck and an eyeball at the base of their spine. Low-cut jeans are a huge fashion (baby got back-eye!), and entirely new sexual practices are created.
    – nothing changes at all. sure, new technologies are invented, new wars are waged and new diseases devastate us, but the people of the future may very well sit around saying “man, once we have flying cars, and build vertical cities, then we’ll really be living in the future…”

    well, jackasses, flying cars already exist.

  5. D says:

    Ah – good to see you’re still spreading the word about flying cars, marijke!

    The filmic vertical city was pioneered in 1927’s Metropolis (more).

  6. D says:

    Here’s a great review from The Morning News.

  7. Faith says:

    Ok, to start with, if u hate the matrix so much, then y the hell d’you go see reloaded!!?? 2. neo is not a priest- did u see the neo bit of the zion mosh-pitty scene!!?? the best fight scene, im guessing you mean the highway one, cos thats the only neo free one i can think of. so.. are u mad!? thats the only one that is almost 100% guns. The actual fighting is sooo much cooler, more classy, b-e-t-t-e-r. Now, to your thing about dying, sorry to break it to ya hun, but if ur brain was plugged into the computer game, then damn straight u wud die!! I really cant be bother to yell at u any more, but if u really hate matrix that much, then just dont watch it, k?

  8. D says:

    Well, Neo could be protestant, in which case he can still have sex. Maybe he’s Geek Orthodox?

    And in general, we’re still allowed to watch things even if we think we might not like them. Frankly I got caught up in all the hype and was a little bit excited to see what they’d do, especially with the effects.

    I’m not sure how you’re so sure about brain-plugging-in and its relation to fatality. I could even buy it happening if you thought you were actually dying – it would be a hard sell, but I could suspend enough disbelief. But when you know it’s fake? How does that work?

    Faith, I’ll try to not watch the third one. Deal?

  9. Faith says:

    Much betta. 🙂
    I get wot u mean about if u knew it wasn’t real. Thing is i think it would be pretty hard to convince yourself that you weren’t actually dying even if u knew about the matrix, cos u’d feel it, u’d bleed and everything. Even Neo bleeds.

  10. fuck you bunch ofwankers says:

    i saw a flying pries and the movie was great, better than any of you can make or even think of, you are just jelous.
    “Felt like it was written by 14-year-olds” well just cos you are 10 and can’t understand what they were saying doesnt mean its bad just go and read a dictionary or something.
    “Shit premise #1: The Matrix is necessary because machines need to farm human body heat. Here’s an idea: use cows instead! The Cow Matrix would be a helluva lot easier to build. In fact, cows would probably be happy just staring at the wall” -what da fuck??? that sounds really like you i.e a 10 year old who has no life.

  11. D says:

    And how old are you, sir?

  12. Anonymous says:

    There is one element of the Matrix Reloaded that nobody has mentioned. Suspense. Movies used to build suspense and therefore make the movie entertaining to watch. There is not an ounce of it in this movie. You know that Reeves cannot be killed and regardless, it’s all either wham-bang action wherein it is too quick to build suspense or action sequences where characters are saved by ridiculous special effects. And there is not enough humor to save these turgid special effects. And my second point, people that like the Matrix gotta chill. So what, we think you’re movie is pretensious rather than intelligent and we’re tired of the hype. Let it be, don’t call us stupid, because some of prefer acting and suspense to base philosophical references and Keenu Reeves.

  13. Chris says:

    I take it the main poster of this topic should just go see “Daddy Day Care” and stay away from action movies. People like this probably really like the matrix, (otherwise, why did he bother to pay to go see the sequel?) but like to be that 1 out of a billion people who likes to post negative about it to get attention.

  14. Ăż says:

    Ya! Ya! Take that you lousy attention seeker!

  15. D says:

    Don’t tell me to stay away from action movies you clown. I was loving action movies when you were in short pants.* Everyone has every right to see and say anything they want about any movie – or should I say, people like you shouldn’t read my review if they don’t like it? Shouldn’t complain about it? Are criticizing it just to get attention?

    * Sure, I was in short pants too, probably.

  16. Fuck You! says:

    Fuck you man!
    Matrix Power!!!!!!!!

  17. Faith says:

    I gotta agree with u there!!
    I’m not calling anyone stupid- just deal with the fact that it’s a FILM!! how interesting would it be if the matrix consisted of a bunch of cows starring at a wall?? More- it’s an action film. I agree that the story line of reloaded wasn’t whoop-di-do fantastic, but who really cares?? I mean seriously, the fights were wicked, the twins were wicked, Morpheus’s sword was DEFINITELY wicked, so yeah, feel free to have ur own opinions, but let us have ours too and like i said before, if u don’t like it, don’t watch it, and stop annoying me and sending me into these rants!!

  18. The Shermanator says:

    The first one was OK, except the really shitty premise, ahem… the sun got blocked out so humans got turned into battery cells ? Gimme a break, without the sun, where would any bio-energy come from in the first place ? At least the first one was kinda cool, a novelty item, didn’t seem to try too hard to be pseudo-intellectual and philosophical.

    The second one OTOH, is pure unadulterated shite. I wanted to rip off Col Sanders’ f**kface right off the screen as he was spouting his grating faux profunditripe.

  19. not important says:

    strangely enough, i mostly agree with D on this, though i also kinda liked reloaded. maybe i have mental health issues, who knows?

    i did like the first movie, and thought that reloaded fell well short of the mark, but also feel that if you’re prepared to forgive that glaringly obvious fact, then it wasn’t all bad.

    i, myself, enjoy the style of fight-scene that the matrix employs, but think it could have been used more purposefully in reloaded. i also enjoy the hints at philosophy, and feel that the rest is up to the viewer to explore. in terms of plot, lets just say if this was a book, i’d have put it down at page 5, extremely disappointed.

    all that said, i’ve got my fingers crossed that revolution redeems the trilogy at least a little.

    as for dying when you get unplugged, many people die every day simply of shock, so anything’s possible, and ultimately everyone ends up dying of asphyxiation anyway in one way or another.

    gotta go now as i’m hearing voices…

  20. Sassy says:

    I am proud to say that I never wathed Matrix Reloaded and am not planning on seeing the third one either. The Matrix just never did it for me, maybe its ’cause I can’t take Keanu Reeves seriously, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure was jokes probably the only movie I actually liked that he was in. He played a great “dude”.

  21. jefe' says:

    D, comparing your criticisms to the review you linked to provides all the evidence anyone should need. I’m sorry you didn’t understand the distilled philosophy the Brothers tried to feed to the masses. I’m sorry you didn’t follow the plot well enough to pick up on the myriad subtleties that put the film head-and-shoulders above most other shite these days. I’m sorry you got caught up in the hype and went to see the special effects. I guess that last bit says it all right there. Do yourself a favor and stick to Bad Boys and Charlie’s Angels.

  22. D says:

    Thanks for the condescension, jefe. “myriad subtleties”… “Distilled”? Sorry pal. Take a look around at the reviews of parts 2 and 3 and realize you are on the losing side of this battle.

    BTW, if you like, I’ll proceed to film-snob the shit out of you, but you’d have to provide a little more of an argument than calling these films “distilled.” Go watch Alphaville and come back.

  23. Glenn says:

    Well… Here’s my comments:

    I liked the first one. I thought the idea was cool, but again I didn’t get the whole ‘unplug him and he dies’ kind of thing…

    The second one, The castle scene and the ghost like albino brothers were cool for a little while… If they had a little more skin or showed a boob or two during the R-rated scene… then it would have been worth going to see… Hey, and since when were there other programs in the matrix? I thought there were only human batteries and agents… Now all of the sudden the Oracle is a program? And I wanted to tell the Architect to STFU…

    The third one, How the hell does Neo and the Agent Smith ex-carnate end up in who-the-hell knows where without being plugged in? If they can go there without hard-wires, then why can’t they just get out instead… You don’t see them running for a phone booth in this one, or the second one for that matter… WTF? And what was up with that shit with Neo being able to see with his eyes burned out??? I thought he was only wonder-boy IN the matrix… I didn’t see any green in that scene.

    I think Keanu just sold his last ticket for quite some time. Now he’s going to need to do 10-10987 commericals or 1800-call-your-momma commercials.

  24. lucY says:

    Can we take some time out tomorrow night to laugh at all the overly sensitive Matrix loving torkers out there! what a bunch of treats. shit D, you must laugh your ass off…they cant even spell half the time…this shits great.

  25. D says:

    Yeah, and I must have really let faith down by going to see the third one when I said I’d try not to.

    Sometimes, I wish children and teens weren’t allowed to use google, but other times, it’s pretty fucking funny. At least I get to try out all sorts of insults.

  26. nobody says:

    Actually, quite a lot of the Matrix is internally consistant if you go more than skin-deep. The machines actually more likely need humans for their brains, which are essentially computers. Since they’re only dreaming, most of the brain could be used for raw computing — or maybe for a Hitchiker’s Guide style program in which everything humans do in the matrix is to solve a problem.

    Perhaps the best thing I’ve heard there is that the machines still serve the humans in some form.

    Either way, calling something shit while using catchphrases like “Doing doesn’t make you good” doesn’t make you a cool intellectual, above the crowd, or in fact anything more than a troll.

    I’m glad I can type so fast or I’d kill myself for wasting my time here.

    Getting shot in the matrix kills the mind. Did it say that it just convinced you that the mind is dead? No. It just kills it. Just like getting shot in real life kills your body, getting shot in the Matrix kills your mind.

    And if you really want some heavy philosophy (all of which is actually in the Matrix, intentionally, not just made up after the fact) go to and find the philosophy section.

    Finally, by the third movie, “only wonder boy in the matrix” is something he wonders about too — but you have to remember that nothing ever said the “real world” was any more real, and if it was, why wouldn’t it have its own rules that can be broken?

    Just because you can’t fly doesn’t mean you should try to shoot down those who can.

  27. D says:

    I thought all the hardcore Matrix fans had retreated with their tails between their legs after the travesty of the third film.

    If you’re such a philosophy master, you likely have heard of the idea of projection. Also, can you make the inference that I’m saying you’re projecting without me actually having to say it? – oh rats, I wrecked that one.

    But thanks for wasting your time and feeding the trolls! & oh yeah, you spelt consistent wrong.

  28. 阿斗 says:


  29. Florida Warlock says:

    Just because you didn’t understand the movie doesn’t mean you need to be attacking it like that D. You couldn’t have made a better movie. And you couldn’t write a story line like that either. And anyway, like someone said (I’m too lazy to scrool up to find out who) its JUST A FILM. If you don’t like it, tough. But you don’t need to criticize the movie so much. And Neo isn’t indestructable. I know I’m posting this way after someone said he is, but in the 3rd movie the fact that Agent Smith is just as strong as Neo is is made perfectly clear. And even if he was, you’re forgetting the massive army of sentinals coming to Zion.

    Glen: If you unplug someone their minds are in the Matrix, not in their bodies. So of course they die. And of course the Oracle is a program. If she wasn’t they would have freed her.

    Whoever said that they wouldn’t be afraid of a stock broker in a suit, well, you would be if he was carrying a desert eagle, could dodge bullets, and knew virtually ever form of martial arts but could do it in bullet time.

    Anyway, my opinion is it was an awesome movie, but they coulda lightened up a bit… a lot… on the fight Neo had with all the Smiths after talking with the Oracle.

    The people who made the movies worked really hard to do it, no one here who has been saying bad things about the movies could do any better and if you think you can I’ll believe you when you do.

  30. Neo says:

    Knock Knock….you may not believe but the matrix has you …..

  31. Plonkin Donkins says:

    Personally, the only good reason to see Revolutions is for Geof Darrow’s wonderful techno-retro designs. Other than that, you can poke it right up Neo’s arse.

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