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You’re welcome / THE HORROR (via)

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Greatest sample ever?

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 The Top 1% Must Stop Insisting They’re Not Rich Right This Instant

Gawker savages a Jonathan Kay piece about how $200k/yr isn’t enough money

Pretty sure this is the greatest video ever made

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The best way to end oppression is to very politely ask oppressors to please stop oppressing you. Also, consider getting them a gift certificate for The Cheesecake Factory. Oppressors love The Cheesecake Factory.

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 Woman trapped in window trying to retrieve poo after Tinder date

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 The “About Us” Page of Every Digital Media Agency – McSweeney’s

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 To appease male fans, Doctor Who announces every Dalek will have visible penis

Beaverton

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 CBC Comedy is the worst crime against humour this country has ever committed

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 ‘The moment when it really started to feel insane’: An oral history of the Scaramucci era

Via Funkaoshi. Looks like I picked a heck of a ten days to go on vacation and then get sick. My favourite part is “Pickle”.

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 Balls Out: The Weird Story of the Great Truck Nuts War

It was an intense and bloody battle between two older men who didn’t really know how to use the internet—over fake balls.

Goodnight, sweet wince.

Whaaaaat

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWd6XgBVIcg

“literal vampire potbelly goblins are hobbling around coming after us”

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 Experts Analyze Trump’s Handshakes

Some of these are truly exceptional

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 Pizza Pizza fight began with complaint that order took too long, witness says

Canadians being polite as usual

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 Trump in Paris: The curious case of his friend Jim

This headline would make an unwatchable romcom

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 The Most Wanted Man In History: An Oral History Of the Hunt for Osama bin Laden

I don’t know where to begin with this masterful ClickHole piece. So, here:

Dick Cheney: One day I was watching a PBS telethon to raise money to send the California Raisins to massage school. It was a very enjoyable program, and at one point one of the California Raisins came on stage and talked about how he hated singing and he wanted to become a masseur so that he could give a massage to his whole family. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the people taking calls, and I gasp because one of the people working the phones at this PBS telethon was Osama bin Laden.

Death when it comes will have no sheep.

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 Story titles, invented by neural network

I’m going through the Lewis and Quark archives because this shit makes me cry with laughter. Here’s a good one, that had me fantasizing about making trailers for: