Angry Robot


Who the hell is Bionicle? A few weeks ago there was a rather broad ad buy for a DVD entitled something like Bionicle: Mask of Light: The Movie. It was sheer excellence for a few reasons. 1. I have no idea who or what Bionicle is; 2. The ad presumed I was indeed familiar with Bionicle and made no attempt to explain Bionicle to me; and 3. The film’s title had two (implied) colons, and of course 4. the superfantastic and catchy mystery name, Bionicle. My roommate and I figured Bionicle must be a hard-headed downtown cop who doesn’t care for following the rules – “Bionicle! Did you have to blow up city hall? I’ve got the mayor on my ass!” Now I’m wondering if Bionicle is traveling across the States to get an explicit cock-suck from an actress who should know better (oh wait). Or is Bionicle is an ingenious kid from the projects who needs the help of Sean Connery and Gus van Sant to break through the wall of ignorance – “you da man now, Bionicle”? Obviously a quick web search would answer these questions, but the mysterious Bionicle has now acheived archetypal status in my little world and I dare not burst my own bubble of fabulous ignorance. Bionicle is a man, a child, a woman, a myth, he lives in each of us. In every good deed, in every smile, in every hand held out to your common man, there’s a little Bionicle. Bionicle, I dream of you, Bionicle I sing to you, Bionicle I have a unicorn in my pocket for you. Bionicle. whispers Bionicle!

3 comments on "Bionicle"

  1. John says:

    I won’t spoil it for you but if you ask a seven year-old boy, he’ll tell you what/who Bioncle is.

    And strangely enough, the film does include an on-screen blow job from Chloe Sevigny. But then, so did ‘School of Rock,’ ‘The Rundown,’ ‘Foolproof,’ and ‘Good Boy.’ Is this some kind of new trend?

  2. D says:

    Really, why make a film if you don’t have a Chloe Sevigny blowjob?

    Well, I did in fact learn about the real-life Bionicle and burst my own bubble. I just couldn’t bear to inflict the same horrible crushing feeling on my readers. It’s like learning Santa doesn’t exist, or that God hates you.

  3. Lg says:

    Bionicle isn’t a who; it’s a what. Bionicle is a series of very popular LEGO’s that has a storyline and now a movie: Mask of Light. But guess what: You just made this Bioni-fanatics day! So funny… *goes off laughing her head off at the ridiculousness of this*

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