Angry Robot

Note to McDonald's: Relax

What the shit is happening to McDonald’s? Are you all seeing these insane “I’m loving it” ads, in which multi-ethnic youths with a street edge engage in extreme activities, and mention is made of things like Steak n’ Cheese Flatbreads? I didn’t know corporations suffered mid-life crises, but here it is in plain view: Ronald McDonald gets his nose pierced, dumps his wife and starts a rap-rock band with the teenage prostitute he impregnated. Dude, take it easy. Sure, people hate getting fat all of a sudden, and they blame you. Work the veggie burgers then, forget about the frat-boy hijinx and the Steak n’ Cheese Flatbreads (what’s healthy about that, anyway?). Stick to the shit you do well, like fries, meat cookies and brainwashing children. You’re embarassing us.

13 comments on "Note to McDonald's: Relax"

  1. Roy says:

    Here, here.

    The most depressing aspect of their “campaign” (aka brainrinsing teens) is that it works. As I walked by the 7000 square foot McDonald’s in the Annex yesterday it was fucking crowded, and I mean jam-packed, with teens from Central Tech high school. The odd drifter, manic depressive and sex-killer roamed around outside where I passed by, but overall it was pure teen-city. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. It’s NOT EVEN FUCKING CHEAP either!

  2. eL says:

    If you think it’s annoying now, wait until they sign Fred Durst to hock that shit. Remember JUST after those fat kids tried suing Mickey D’s they came right out with 12 different salads. If there were truth in advertising they’d come right out with a slogan like, “you want fried cellulite with that?”

    The commercials are funny though. I don’t think I’ve ever danced on top of my friend’s VW bug while stuffing my face with fries. Does that ever happen? I mean, outside of at 3am after a night of binge drinking.

  3. D says:

    Come to think of it, McDonald’s has never had a problem with teens, they’re always swarming around that shit. I couldn’t stay away when I was a teen, especially since I never gained weight no matter how many double quarter pounders I had. Now I’m no ad exec, but it strikes me that McD’s effort to lure teens (or is it young adults?) signals some kind of panic… are they losing too many college kids to veganism?

    eL, I hear those McD salads are actually good. Mind you, I wouldn’t hit one up unless they slathered it with ground chuck and delicious animal fat. Can’t beat the taste of animals!

  4. king says:

    I agree with D there, I honestly don’t think those new ads caused any of those teen line-ups you were talking about Roy.McDonalds has always been overrun with teens. Teens need cheap grease to fuel their raging hormones I guess. At least they’re trying a new approach with their ads. For the last fifty years it’s been the same “everything is perfect” tone and sanitized faux-family feeling with sunny beautiful interiors and friendly, impossibly happy multicultures proud to serve whites.

    If they really want to go truth-style with their ads, they may as well show seniors hanging out by themselves late-night with plastic bags trying to ignore the schizophrenic that’s whispering obscenities at the next table while oxymoronic muzak versions of Richard Marx tunes are playing and a fat, zitty employee is dragging their ass around taking 12 times as long to empty the garbage….ah I don’t need to go on.

  5. eL says:

    lol, actually, they lost me to vegetarianism; my conspiracy theory is that they’ve noticed, which is why they’re trying so hard to lure me back. Of course, lousy urban hip-hop isn’t going to turn the trick.

    Actually, I think the problem is the number of college grads who pulled a stint working in the fast food industry at some point and, knowing what goes on behind the counter, can’t eat it again, knowing what they’ve witnessed.

    They’d have to get like Frank Black or Christopher Walken in a commercial saying, “mmm… now this is GOOD carcass” for me to even consider going back and paying $2 for 2 ounces of cold, chocolate goo air-whipped into a 16 oz. shake.

    D, love yr. site btw.

  6. tv says:

    Don’t get too excited about their tasty salads. Their biggest salad has 3 grams more fat than their fattiest burger (Harper’s, link not available).

  7. D says:

    eL: thanks, right back atcha.

    Now I’m tempted to go into McDonald’s and ‘review’ their new menu additions. I’m impressed that they figured out a way to cram in more fat in a salad than a burger… how do they do that? Is it a deep fried salad?

  8. eL says:

    Probably some newly-developed lettuce out there on the market, the result of one of those genetic breeds of vegetables Monsanto’s been tinkering with: “I know, let’s infuse fiber-rich Romaine lettuce with LARD!”

    But somehow I suspect Paul Newman is behind it, so that’s where I’m pointing my finger. Hell, maybe Mickey D’s is frying its salads now. Let me know what you find out. This could be a revealing, undercover expose’ thing.

  9. Sassy says:

    Am I the only one who actually appreciated them adding salad to their menu? As far as I know they offered light salad dressing and the lettuce didn’t look deep fried to me but what the hell do I know? My big complaint was the price of the salad was $5.99 before tax and for that I rather would go and grab a lunch special at a cheap sushi restaurant. In my defence the only time I was forced to eat there and order their over priced “healthy” selection was on a road trip, it was either that or KFC so I thought I picked the lesser of two evils.

    McDonalds is just plain nasty, I am not a big fan of fast food and I think people should know better than to eat there and if they don’t then they deserve to get fat, ugly, and have acne.

  10. D says:

    Hey, apparently KFC has boneless wings now! They’re probably a lot better for you. I find I was gaining a lot of weight from eating all those bones.

  11. Sassy says:

    D, you need a (sarcastic) “rolls eyes” emoticon on this site.

  12. D says:

    I’m once again fantasizing about waltzing into McDonalds (armed to the teeth, of course, but no-one needs to know it) and ordering a cool $80 worth of their new-fangled salads, with a wink and a discreet gesture to the attendant which indicate plus the illegal ones too, pal, and I’ll pay for the privilege. Happy with the Nicoise, pleased during the Caesar, interested by the Beef Ranch Deluxe, mildly disconcerted by the Street Jazz Meat Sandwich, troubled by Sir Gags-a-Lot, repulsed by Capn MC Bone-Bird’s Genitalicious Sweat-gland-a-thon…

    Oh I am carried away. McD’s salad review will probably be one of those things I want to do but always forget, like reviewing “Chinese Restaurant” and watching all of the Moriarty- Larry Cohen flicks. Just too busy saving the world, you see.

  13. steph says:

    can anyone tell me where i can view a mcdonalds commercial, and posibly record it? it’s an emergancy! hurry! i need it for a project. thanks!

Comments are closed.