Angry Robot

The Evil Reptilian Kitten-Eater

Quite obviously the California recall is the most colourful election campaign happening at the moment, but the runner-up is Ontario’s provincial election, which took a turn for the weird this past friday when defending Premier Ernie Eves’ camapign office released a statement that called Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty “an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet”. While I love a good crack and possibly a Buffy reference, it fueled a huge surge for the Liberals in the polls, and marked the conservatives’ brutally negative campaign as an abject failure. And they will veer even further to the right (although I can’t find the supporting article now), with promises to basically arrest everyone, in an effort to secure their “core” and place as the opposition with a solid number of seats. Some good news for the Tories, however: “They are tied with the Liberals in rural Ontario and in Eastern Ontario; they lead among voters aged 66 and older, and among those with a high-school education or less.” Good for them. Odd thing is, Eves himself has a reptilian sort of voice. I’d like to get me some books-on-tape of him reading children’s stories so that he could lull me to sleep with his slithery croak.

7 comments on "The Evil Reptilian Kitten-Eater"

  1. King says:

    Eves’ voice is fucked. I mean fucked. D, you gotta find an audio file of this guy. His voice is better as pure audio too. Visually it is incongruous with his mafia don looks.

    The kitten-eater incident made the front page of the Toronto Sun last week complete with Ernie Eves’incredible ass-saving statement: “I think somebody had too much coffee this morning.”

    What a crock of shit that statement is. No one thinks it’s funny. It doesn’t explain anything at all. And it’s definitely not what Ernie was thinking when it happened. Ha ha ha, somebody had too much coffee huh? What are you talking about?

    When has too much caffeine ever been an excuse for insults anyway? Is there a precedent for this?

    Person: Hey you, you’re a fat ugly moron.

    Fat Ugly Moron: Excuse me?!!

    Person: Sorry good sir, too much coffee this morning.

    Fat Ugly: Oh..ha ha ha. Not at all my dear friend. I understand completely. Hooray for both of us, and for the environment and endangered species and what not.

    Person: Nay, hooray for everything.

    Fat Ugly Moron: Indeed!

    Applause. Gangrape of bald eagle. The End.

  2. D says:

    I think “too much coffee” is a watered-down joke. Really, he’d like to say “a few too many martinis” or “someone hit up the crack pipe a little hard” or “damn baseheads in my office are always up in my shit” or for extra points, something involving crystal meth. But then the headlines would read: “EVES BERATES JUNKIE STAFF” or “EVES: MY STAFF ARE ALCOHOLICS”, that kinda thing, because the press just don’t fuck around with that humour nonsense.

  3. Maybe the kitten-eater thing was a too-inside reference to the fact that Dalton’s claim that Buffy is his favourite show:

  4. D says:

    Hey, nice find, Sandy. I had no idea Dalton had a blog.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Well the Ontario elections were October 2, the evil reptilian kitten-eater and his Liberal party won. Maybe the comment was a reference to the old TV series “V”, where the Visitors look like clean-cut aliens come to share knowledge and build bridges with the Eartlings, but in private cram small live animals down their gullet, the fake plastic of their human suits straining with the effort of opening their huge jaws, as the people of Earth find out too late before they are basically taken over. I’m no fan of the Liberals, it’s sort of the same thing going to happen. Watch McGuinty break his promises and raise taxes and stuff.

  6. Crooks says:

    McGuinty is going to be much better than the PCs ever were.

    Dalton has promised increased funding to community agencies so he sure is starting off on the right foot!

  7. D says:

    I’m not sure. He’s gone back on the Moraine and now apparently he’ll cut education.

    The whole “oh we didn’t know about the huge deficit, we blame our ousted, powerless and obviously unpopular opponents for it” argument makes me sick. (The NDP pulled that stunt too, I hasten to add). There’s an old leftie nugget of wisdom: the liberals are worse than the conservatives because they are exactly the same, except pretend to be something else. I’m starting to believe that. Prove me wrong, Dalts!

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